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I’ve been debating for months about whether or not to continue this series.
On the one hand, it can’t be denied, I hate Americans. I hate their arrogance, I hate their nationalism, I hate their overwhelming global political, economic, and cultural dominance. And above all, I hate the fact that they voted in Donald Fucking Trump again.
On the other hand… Static Shock was an important part of my childhood and early teenage years. And Dwayne McDuffie would have been a major enemy of Trump if he lived long enough. So I don’t know.
Sigh. There’s a reason I call it Hypocrisy Studios, I guess.
Teleplay by Robert Goodman
Dialogue is a little cheesy.
Story by Robert Goodman and John Semper Jr.
Directed by Vic Dal Chele
Your plans need work, Static.
The DCAU version of Doc Ock, I guess.
That’s a little below the belt.
I thought you were dating the Rubberband Man, Sharon?
Static and Richie aren’t normally this incompetent.
Battle of the Octopi
Ace Chemicals, clearly.
Sharon, you have lousy taste in boyfriends
Yeah that was bullshit
Dule proves he’s better than every living American
Dude needs a better writer
Jesus Static, did you need to kill him?
Static created by Dwayne McDuffie, Derek T. Dingle, Denys Cowan and Michael Davis
Animated by Dongwoo Animation Co.
Timothy Snyder, Go The Fuck Home!
Last week, noted American-supremacist historian, failed historian of the Second World War, and activist Doctor Timothy Snyder revealed he was a bloodless coward in addition to all his other failures. Snyder and his wife, Doctor Marci Shore (another American supremacist) declared that, because America was becoming a fascist dictatorship, they would flee to Canada.
I have one response to this:
GO.
THE.
FUCK.
HOME!
We don’t need or want American ‘intellectuals’ anywhere near our borders. As Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenzie King said:
“The secret aim of every American leader, including Franklin Roosevelt, [is] to dominate Canada and ultimately to posses the country.”1
The same can be applied to every American citizen that has ever or will ever walk this Earth. Americans believe that Canadians are already more than half-American already, that we seek to be just like them, and that we will roll over the second we get a chance to become like their filthy subspecies. They’ve had this view since 1812, don’t expect them to change it anytime soon.
Any and all American intellectuals on our soil are a dangerous fifth column that cannot, and must not, be tolerated. This is especially true of American ‘intellectuals’ who will spread their poison throughout our system and slowly destroy everything that makes us Canadian.
Americans in general suffer from an overwhelming case of ‘main character syndrome’. Just check out the whining from (mostly) American gamers over the prices Nintendo announced for its new console. Or the belief, held by two worthless idiots Joe Stieb and Jamelle Bouie over on BlueSky that America can side with frigging Iran, abandon Saudi Arabia and Israel, and somehow get a rational relationship!
Yeah right. Because the government that bases its entire existence on killing being the centre of resistance to American imperialism is ever going to side with Uncle Sam! And given Iran’s openly genocidal stance on Israel, all that siding with them is going to do is create the Holocaust 2.0.
Which fits, I suppose. The Allies in World War 2 elected to do nothing to stop the Holocaust in the first place, so why should we care now?
Stieb himself is a great example of how dangerous American ‘intellectuals’ are to Canadian values. An arrogant psychopath of a man, he has built his historical career on whitewashing and downplaying George W. Bush’s crimes that lead to the invasion of Iraq and attempted genocide therein.
I remind everyone that it was Jean Chretien, Liberal Prime Minister at the time, who told Bush to go fuck himself. Chretien, a native-born bastard if there every was one, knew a rat when he smelled one and kept us out of that clusterfuck. Given how Bush’s “Global War On Terror” empowered Putin (leading directly to the invasion of Ukraine), Benjamin Netanyahu (a criminal despised by 70% of his own country2 ) and lead to the fascism currently rearing its head in the United States, I think we Canadians all owe Chretien a huge thank you. He literally saved our entire existence.
My point is, if we allow Timothy Snyder to continue to teach here, in Canada, this is what we will face. Active white-washing of America’s crimes, if not outright justification of them. Teaching that positions America first, as the face of liberalism and democracy while downplaying or outright ignoring the achievements and struggles of other nations. Most of whom, I must point out, lead the way on liberal democracy long before Americans ever popped out of their hovels.
And that’s assuming Snyder just keeps peddling his bullshit here, and doesn’t turn coward again when Trump puts the screws to us. Because Trump is absolutely out for our blood, and Snyder has already proven himself a pure and utter coward.
I’ve made it clear here that I don’t think much of the slop that pours out of American universities, but the vast majority of Snyder’s fellow ‘intellectuals’ have stayed in the States (where they belong, the filthy vermin) to fight against Trump and his encroaching fascism. Which is the right answer! The United States of America is not yet a fascist dictatorship. It is still a democracy. A flawed, incompetent, pushy, arrogant, self-absorbed, self-obsessed democracy, but a democracy nonetheless. There is still time to save America. It is not yet time for mass exodus.
And in all fairness, they come by those traits honestly. The United Kingdom is still a flawed, incompetent, pushy, arrogant, self-absorbed, self-obsessed democracy, and its been eighty freaking years since they handed off the title of global asshole to the Americans! So it’s not totally the Yanks fault they’re worthless. In the words of the Arrogant Worms, it’s not that we’re better. It’s that we’re less worse.
My point is, Snyder has already proven he’s a complete chickenshit. What’s to stop him from screwing us over as soon as it heats up here?
Americans can’t be trusted. We need to kick them out of the country before they turn us into Americans. Either through Trump’s trade wars or through slow subversion like Snyder.
- Cook, Tim, The Good Allies, Allen Lane, Canada, 2024 ↩︎
- https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/clashing-with-government-69-of-israelis-54-of-coalition-voters-back-ending-war-in-exchange-for-hostages-poll/ ↩︎
America Delenda Est
I’m not going to bury the lead here: the United States of America is, and always has been, Canada’s arch-enemy. They are the wolf at the door, the barbarians at the gate, howling for blood. The only goal of the United States of America is, was, and always will be, complete domination of the continent.
They will not rest until both Canada and Mexico have been forcibly added to their empire. Until there is one, single American culture that stretches between the Arctic Circle and Guatemala. And I honestly don’t think they’ll stop there.
Nor does this obsession with destroying their neighbours begin with Trump. No, America has always desired complete and total control over North America. It goes back to their very founding, when part of the reason that the colonists rebelled was because the British government wouldn’t let them slaughter Native Americans and French Canadians to their hearts content. The other, more important part, was the fact that they didn’t want to pay taxes.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Other nations have, from time to time, occupied Canada’s time. Germany, from 1914-1945, is of course the preeminent example. I would like to point out that both times Germany attempted to snuff out the light of democracy and freedom, Canada was right on the front lines from the beginning. The United States, on the other hand, showed up late both times (especially in World War 1, when they showed up in the last year of the war!) and only after being attacked first. Canada on the other hand joined Britain in defending other nations when they were attacked by the forces of authoritarianism and fascism, Belgium in 1914 and Poland in 1939. We took the risk to defend others, America has only ever defended itself.
My point is, while other nations have occupied Canada’s time and attention from time to time (and deservedly so! Germany was an autocratic, violent, genocidal nation long before the Nazis took over. And the Soviet Union was no better), it is always the United States of America that serves as our greatest and most terrible threat.
Part of this is geographic proximity. Germany, the Soviet Union, the People’s Republic of China…. fights with them happened (or will happen) Over There. That’s a horribly callous way to describe the immense suffering those governments imposed on the free peoples of the world, but it’s also true. Canada has been isolated from much of the horrors of the Old World thanks to the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.
We enjoy no such protection from the Americans, who live right on our border and seethe at the fact that they do not rule the continent with an iron fist.
The United States of America cannot be trusted. Americans, as a people, cannot be trusted and must be expelled from our country. Their commitment to democracy, always weak and self-serving, has completely metastasized into outright fascism. They worship the ground their orange god walks on.
Don’t trust any claims of resistance. One by one, American institutions have fallen to Trump’s demands. In time, they all will. Americans have always yearned for dictatorship, and now they’ve found it. Soon, much Russians about Ukraine, annexation of Canada will become the default, popular position. Americans lust for domination and control. They yearn to expand, to force their failed and broken system on everyone they come across.
The United States of America is the enemy. So long as they exist, we will never be safe.
Canada is not perfect. We will not be, cannot be, forgiven for the centuries of blood on our hands. Our children and our children’s children will have to pay for our mistakes and for our crimes. The notion of Canada as a liberal, accepting, multicultural nation was invented by Lester B. Pearson and Pierre Elliot Trudeau. And yet this is the hill we must die on. It is what separates us from the assimilationist empire to our south.
For Americans, there is only one, true way of life: the American one. They tolerate no other forms of government, not even other forms of democracy! The fact that Canada is a sovereign nation, with its own democratic traditions and ways of governing, is anathema to the American mind. They literally cannot comprehend it, and every diplomatic interaction we’ve had with them since 1776 has been with one goal in the American mind: to subvert Canada and destroy us utterly.
The United States of America is Canada’s one true enemy. We must never lose sight of that fact. We must stand united, both internally and with our European and Asian allies. The new Washington-Moscow-Beijing Axis has at long last revealed themselves and their intent to destroy all that we hold dear. It is time for the democracies of the world to unite once more, from the birthplace of modern democracy in Britain and France to its new leading lights in the Republic of Korea, Japan and the Republic of China.
Together, we can withstand this fascist aggression. Together, we can save the world. Divided, and we shall be destroyed as Poland was once long ago.
America is the enemy, Canada. It is long past time we cut ties and refocused our efforts on our actual allies.
Where The Rubber Meets The Road
The only good Americans are fictional.
Don’t blame your controller for your lack of skill, Richie
Written by Matt S. Wayne
Are they rooming with Rubberband Man now?
Directed by Chuck Drost
Dude, pimping out your sister is wrong. Funny but wrong
That looks like one of the guys from Batman Beyond
Okay, but like doubling fifty cents still only makes it a dollar, dude.
Tarmac? Really?
Also, I think three heroes is a little too much for this show.
Bad guy lost a lot of his cool there. At least Lex would have had a gun or something.
I remember these idiots. Sort of.
So, Rubberband man is dyslexic, huh. Feel like this should have come before, yeah?
Also, Richie is being a jerk here.
This sounds more like ADHD then straight Dyslexia. Though to be fair there’s a fair bit of overlap
Ah, the enemy civil war. With those jerks, it was kind of inevitable.
So that jerk now has third degree burns all over his hands. Cool.
That was a little close.
Static created by Dwayne McDuffie, Derek T. Dingle, Denys Cowan and Michael Davis
Animated by Dong Yang and Koko Enterprises
Emergency
Hello all you happy people!
I’m afraid I have bad news. My furnace died the other die and it’s freezing in my house. The furnace is so old they can’t fix it so it has to be replaced.
It’s too cold to work, so everything is getting paused.
Um. If you don’t hear from me in a couple months, please check in. I might be dead.
Savage Night
Last episode! Whoo-hoo!
It’s about time Harv got his coin
Written by Ed Brubaker
Directed by Christina Sotta
Proof that Arkham is a terrible place, no matter the decor.
No. No he doesn’t. The funny thing is, Barbara invented the stealth hi/bye in the 60’s series. At least for Batman.
No bat signal for this show! At least this season.
Bruce is lashing out at his friend because he feels guilty, even though none of this is his fault.
Ooh, snatch and grab.
Guys, you really shouldn’t have let him seen his face.
Yep, that’s pretty much right on the money.
Get. him. to. Batman!
Flass has a pet name for Harvey. That’s almost cute.
Mobsters don’t get overtime pay.
Alfred not using his real voice to answer the phone is clever.
Godzilla knows you don’t have a plan Dent
Thorne is prepared to kill everybody there, Dent.
Flass is planning to throw you overboard, Bullock.
Batman is clearly not the master martial artist yet that he will become.
Well, they almost made it.
Righteous shoot? In what universe?
He won’t be.
Five, with Alfred.
It’s not wise to talk on the phone, Thorne.
Damn. I was kind of hoping for a Batman adaptation without the Joker.
Batman created by Bill Finger
Flass created by David Mazzuchelli and Frank Miller
Rupert Thorne created by Steve Englehart and Marshall Rogers
Animated by Studio IAM
The Killer Inside Me
Second last episode! Whoopie let’s go!
Well that was a tease.
Also, I’m thinking the acid attack would generate a lot of sympathy for Dent in the polls.
Jessop, you suck.
Written by Jase Ricci
Directed by Christopher Berkeley
He totally could have forgotten. Small scale amnesia is common in traumatic incidents.
Bruce… doesn’t know how to interact with people, does he?
Bruce can’t decide if he’s trying to get information out of Harvey or support his friend and that’s why this goes so bad.
Look, I say this as a dedicated misanthrope: the overwhelming majority of Gothamites would sympathize with Dent here. We have a long, long history of rallying around politicians who survive attacks, even when we really shouldn’t
The healthy face representing Dent’s evil side while the scarred side representing the good isn’t exactly knew (Frank Miller did it in TDKR) but it is rarely used. It’s not my favourite interpretation of Dent (I prefer his older, more fatalistic interpretation) but it works.
Why on Earth is Commissioner Gordon riding shotgun on a street level bust?
It’s not that crazy. Dent was deeply traumatized and traumatized people do stupid things sometimes. Evidence: me.
Maybe don’t call the violently angry man a freak?
In the comics, Matt Thorne is Rupert’s brother and a supervillain in his own right called the ‘Crime Doctor’. Him being Rupert’s kid here is a little weird.
Rupert being a good dad is also weird.
It’s nice to see this Batman show some emotion, especially as he’s clearly reacting to his own guilt. That said, I don’t think it’s fair to blame Batman. Letting Dent lock himself up his room for the rest of his life is a really bad idea.
More bullets for his gun
The thief isn’t sorry he committed the crime, he’s sorry he got caught.
Most alcohol isn’t that flammable.
Eh, I think Batman would save Zito rather than catch Dent
Never bet against the crazy people
That’s not Ernie.
Okay well it’s a dead Ernie
Mobsters can’t aim for shit
Meh. You did try to kill him. Eye for an eye and all that.
That’s what public defenders are for, Harv.
Batman created by Bill Finger
Flass created by Frank Miller and David Mazzuchelli
Rupert Thorne created by Steve Englehart and Marshall Rogers
Animated by Studio Grida
Nocturne
Bad news: I got sick last night and couldn’t finish my live blogging
Good news: I miscounted and actually have one more day of free Amazon Prime
Godzilla, I can’t wait for the Blu-ray
The fact that it’s Jason Todd (worst Batfam character by a country mile) and not Tim Drake annoys me to no end.
Nocturna here is the first character that looks like a classic Bruce Timm character. She also reminds me of a Scooby Doo character
Nocturna in the comics was a short term love interest of Bruce’s and surrogate mother figure for Jason Todd. She wasn’t exactly a vampire (until they re-imagined her as a vampire later on) but she had the pale skin and night loving habits.
This, in my opinion, is the show’s best reinvention of a comic book character. Still true to the roots, but a recognizably different character all the same.
Written by Halley Gross
Directed by Matt Peters
Hey, it’s Julie Madison, Batman’s first love interest! As that’s the only thing that’s interesting about her, we’ll just move on.
More importantly, is that Lois Lane?
And hey, Leslie Thompkins. She was also a late introduction to the comics appearing in the mid-70s. But she’s been a fixture ever since. Before that, Bruce had a different doctor (and Leslie originally showed up as a social worker, so her appearing as the owner of an orphanage here is appropriate)
Okay, again, why is Dent struggling in the polls? Actually, no, scratch that. If voters were rational, Trump would never have won in 2016
In the comics, Anton Knight was a supervillain in his own right and had a crush on Nocturna, his adopted sister. Here he appears to be just a well-meaning mad scientist.
Classic magic trick
Is a child who preys on children still a child predator?
Most modern politicians would not have the guts to get in the dunk tank
I understand and sympathize with Natalia, but Anton is right: she is going way too far.
Dent, don’t get into bed with the mob. It’s almost as bad as getting into bed with the Nazis.
Since when does Killer Croc care about kids?
I kinda understand where the carnies are coming from. They don’t know Bruce from Adam and he’s looking for a kid. Even in the 40s that would have raised some eyebrows.
It’s a little weird to see Batman overpowering Croc.
So we have Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown and Carrie Kelley. No Tim Drake. Bullshit, man. Bullshit.
Wow, he actually died. Did not expect that.
At least Carrie fought back
Age and treachery, kiddo, is no match for youth and super-strength
Consequences are a bitch, eh, Natalia?
But he’s Batman. And in the end, that’s what matters.
And Dent’s balls just dropped.
Dent exists to get screwed no matter the universe.
Batman created by Bill Finger
Killer Croc created by Gerry Conway and Don Newton
Dr. Leslie Thompkins created by Dick Giordano and Dennis O’Neil
Rupert Thorne created by Steve Englehart and Marshall Rogers
Animated by Studio IAM
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